I'm glad we knew

This past Saturday another family in our parish buried their newborn daughter, Anne Marie.  I'm not sure of their circumstances, but I got the impression that it was a normal pregnancy and they had all the normal expectations that go along with it.  I don't know them, but my heart broke for them and I cried, knowing how awful and shell-shocked and suddenly empty they must feel.

It also made me feel blessed to have known that Abby had a life threatening condition.  Yes, there were many times I felt envy toward women with "normal" happy pregnancies, and I've heard from women who didn't know that they are grateful to not have been burdened.  No doubt, learning that you are carrying a child who may die, or be born with a life threatening condition makes for a very loooooong and burdensome pregnancy. In my case, it allowed me the opportunity to be so much more present in my pregnancy and literally extended the time that our Abby was physically with us.

Abby's life was so short; I had a total of 104 hours with her once she was born.  Expecting she would have limited time with us, I spent so much more time bonding with her while pregnant.  I didn't properly appreciate that time during Connor's pregnancy, but this time I knew it may be all I would get to have with her.  I held my belly and rested my hands on her any chance I had, so appreciating each movement and kick.  As her movements got quite painful for me toward the end, I cherished them even more fearing that the sands were running ever faster through our hourglass.  Being so present in this pregnancy made it feel like Abby was here for far longer than four days.  We named her as soon as we knew she was a girl, giving her an identity and her own place in our family long before she was born.  I talked to her, and cried with her, and took time to just BE with her whenever I could.  (She's actually changed my temperament profoundly, as my family will attest that I could never just BE before.)

Almost everything that happened after Abby was born was decided upon or coordinated beforehand.  While I'll probably always agonize over what might have been done differently, I know that I spent every minute of Abby's life focused on loving her and not on the unfair and impossible decisions that had to be made.  We were able to make every minute count.  While it was a very difficult and long pregnancy, I'm glad we knew.