Writing about life post-Abby is a whole lot harder than I anticipated. I suppose part of that is because a good deal of what I’m thinking and feeling still requires reconciliation/ sorting out. I am posting now partly because a few people have emailed me to ask how things are- I find that shocking! And rather flattering, I admit, so thank you for caring. I’ve actually journaled a lot in the past few weeks; once I have better perspective I think I’ll be able to share more.
I wouldn’t consider myself an optimist, but the truth is things right now are significantly different than I thought they would be. For someone who deals with numbers for a living, I completely ignored statistics associated with Abby’s condition. I rationalized that someone has to be in the small percentage of people who live with HPE, even if only for a few months or years, so I should prepare to be one of them. Plus, I was afraid if I expected her to die, I would be wasting time that should be spent preparing for her care. I know, it doesn’t make any sense.
These days I view time in terms of Abby’s birth, so to give perspective, she turned 7 weeks on NYE. I say it in the present because that’s how Connor talks about her. He asks me how old she is in Heaven, when her birthday is, what we’re going to do to celebrate it, and how old he will be when she’s a grown up. I considered explaining to him that she will never age; she died at 4 days and she will eternally rest as a 4 day old baby, but he really likes the idea of her growing up in heaven right along with him. So I let it be; she's growing in Heaven everyday, just like he is here on Earth. We’ve actually been discussing things we can do “with her” like having a snack time with her at the cemetery or reading her his new books (yes, I did take that idea from Elizabeth Edwards). I think this is one of the hardest things to deal with; I can have a relatively good day, then when I put him to bed Connor will start talking about her in ways that just tug at my heart. And it's so hard to not cry in front of him.
Donna Grace,
ReplyDeleteHave you read the book "Heaven is Real". It is by a Pastor in Nebraska who's 4 year old little boy has a close brush with death and over a few years tells the family about his near death experience. It is a quick read, everyone I know who bought it, read it in 2 hours. Hard to put down but I think it would be a really great thing for you to pick up right now. A spoiler.... he meets his older sister whom his mother miscarried. He knew nothing of her. VERY powerful. :)
You don't know me obviously but I check your blog almost daily. You are a strong mother! I think you are doing what is best for your son by allowing him to understand Heaven and enjoy his baby sister in a way that he can as a young boy. Enjoy that. It's very very sweet! Bless your family!
ReplyDelete-Mandy, mother to Paige, who was born with a cleft lip/palate.
You do not know me, you may have seen me as I was there when they laid Abigail to rest but I have known of you and your story. I agree what you are doing with your son is a beautiful thing and I applaude you for giving him a way to love his sister that he can understand. To him she is alive in another place as alive as he is and can have birthdays and fun as she grows. He is right, she shall not eternally be four days old but shall grow in grace and beauty in the presence of the Lord along with all the other children the Lord has called home. I have never been in your place so I will not pretend to understand the pain but I am a mother and I understand the pain one feels even for children present with us. I pray the Lord will bless your family and draw you close to Him
ReplyDeleteI haven't read that book yet, but it sounds like one I'd like. I really enjoy reading, but at the moment my ability to concentrate is not what I'm used to. I've been reserving most of my mental energy for work related things, but hopefully I'll find some more of my brain in the coming weeks :)
ReplyDeleteI agree, Heaven is for Real is a book that will help a lot! I read it while my wife was pregnant with our daughter who has hydrocephalus. It helped me. I actually thought about the book when you mentioned Connor thinks she is growing up in Heaven... And I agree with Connor! You will too after you read it.
ReplyDeleteWe don't know you all but we think of you often and check in.
Brad & Amy Gibbs
Donna, I am glad that you have continued to post.
ReplyDeleteI, too, think of you often and check in often.
Abby is helping me. I wish I had the picture of you with her as a prayer card. She is a tremendous help. I love you. Thank you for your beautiful witness to a mother's love. And I do believe she is growing in Heaven.
Love,
Auntie Donna